i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
