I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
