Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
