I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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