First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize