my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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