I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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