Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
