So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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