I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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