I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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