Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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