we have officially lost it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
