I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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