Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
