Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
