Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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