Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
