i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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