Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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