Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
