i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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