I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It's shark week go big or go home
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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