We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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