rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
