My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
