Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
