so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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