Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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