Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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