I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize