Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
MIDGETS
????
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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