well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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