hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
