You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I FOUND THE LEGS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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