im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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