I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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