Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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