im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Randomize
