I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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