Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
