yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
