you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
