Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
