I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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