I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
