don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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