I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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