Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
