this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
