I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
