Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
