He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
