i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
