chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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