Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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