If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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