I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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