If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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