He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
