I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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