He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
