dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
