My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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