We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
