Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
